hobo gauntlet

wrote this for first day of writing class last month.

Mid-winter...I love days like today, my favorite beauty is the rare misty mystery fog, the gray homogeny reminiscent of sipping coffee in London. Silence, fog of breath. I feel detail detracts from the simplicity, starkness.
Footprints in snow, solitary stone bench.
Then--vestiges of determination! Last remaining leaves clinging to skeleton trees.
And the always evergreen--this it their time to shine.


and this i wrote just now:

ubiquitous coquettish
smile of a style
walking like you're stalking
the he who haunted you.
like hot oversteeped
cinnamon tea
too good for your own good


i hate it-- walking from CU, through the underpass up to Espresso Roma. it's like a FUCKING GUANTLET.
it's TWO fucking blocks, but there are, in this order...1) Dude at bottom of underpass stairs passing out fliers silently so YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE FOR. so NO, i'm not taking one, because last time it was a FLIER FOR JESUS.
(OPTIONAL: Homeless guy playing jazz saxaphone)
2) 3-5 homeless guys at the top of the stairs asking "spare any change?"
3.) THREE, not one or two but THREE, Greenpeace people kindly but aggressively trying to get you to talk to them in anyway (one of them said "You look like a superhero! What's your name?" and stretched out his hand")

My usual response to ANYONE who asks me for ANYTHING is a smile and "sorry." Even the guy who asked me my name, with his hand fucking stretched out to shake mine. I'm on to you! I will not be trapped into innocent conversation turning into me giving my credit card number to a stranger on the street! I don't care if it's for greenpeace! Anyway the dude was like "Your name's not 'sorry'!" And i just kept walking. Like, I feel kinda bad, and I know it's your job, but at least i didn't totally ignore you.

Another good option, one that makes them leave you alone but also makes them happy and also makes you a total liar is: "I'm a member." I'd say that to EVERYONE (k, except the homeless guys....that'd be weird.) and they get all pumped like "RIGHT ON! thanks for your support! have a rockin' day!" And i'd walk on, smug. I win.
Actually it wasn't a lie when i said it to the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) guy because i was a member. So i'm not ENTIRELY a HORRIBLE human being. Although...

another funny thing i kinda want to start saying is "Nope, I'm a horrible person!" with a cheery smile anytime somene asks me for change or if i have a minute for the environment.
ha.


i bought this today
because i wanted it.
because my current bag is a fucking hobo bag. and by "fucking hobo bag" i mean it's a nice-looking fake-leather over-the-shoulder black bag. but the seams are fraying because it's a cheap-ass peice of shit that makes me look like a fucking hobo. a hobo with a full-length fitted wool coat, dark-wash skinny jeans and cute flats. a fucking hobo.

i have noooooo idea why, but the other day totally randomly this phrase popped into my head: (and about no one in particular, or no one...not in particular) "The hottest thing about her is that she's not morbidly obese."

3 quality reasons to hate me:
1. I hate beer
2. I hate sushi
3. i hate cheesecake

hate away!

i have found TWO people, in my ENTIRE life, who also hate cheesecake. and not just like "meh, i don't really enjoy cheesecake" but "FUCK that! FUCK that shit. WHO PUTS CREAM CHEESE IN A DESERT?!" and one of them made a Facebook group with the acronym C.H.E.E.S.E.C.A.K.E:

Cheesecake Haters: Earnestly Execrating Supposedly Edible Cheesecake, And Killing Eaters-of.

really, just take a second and think about it. cheesecake. Cheese. Cake. CHEESE. and CAKE. CHEEEEEEEESE. and CAAAAAAAKE! ONEWORD.
You disgust me.

does this insecurity make my butt look big?

Okay, this is probably one of the weirdest things i've ever seen on a snack food item :
"May our White Cheddar Bunnies remind you of both the real and magical in life."

wow, Annie's. that's a pretty high expectation for CHEESE CRACKERS-- i don't care if they're organic. there's just nothing about delicious, cheesy, rabbit-shaped crunchy bits that reminds me of the "magical" in life.
although if i ever eat those while on drugs, i'll let you know if that changes.

well last night (friday) i had a pretty good night, although part of me still feels like i should feel like a loser for spending it at home cleaning my room dancing around and drinking wine alone. but i don't ACTUALLY feel like a loser, i just feel like i SHOULD feel like a loser for not spending fifty dollars on drinks at a bar with all my Friends as we obsessively document the Event to prove it happened ("if it's not on Facebook, it's like it never happened.")

plus, i totally HAVE friends, AND i hung out with BOTH of them yesterday.
so HA!

lately i've been wanting to give all my stuff away (okay i usually want to do that, and am actually doing a ton of it this weekend), move to another city (what city? any city. preferably abroad, and one that speaks another language) and change my name to Robot.
I'd also prefer to never have to wear pants again (as previously mentioned--fuck pants.) but apparently places have "Laws" about things like that. fuckin' A.
Maybe i'll found a city--Pantslessland...and everything will be open 24 hours for my convenience when i'm up at 4 in the morning and want some indian food or whatever.

one of my favorite, most favorite, most favorite, mostMOST favoritest things ever is walking my dog at night. it's cool, it's quiet, no one is around, and i get to be a creeper! YAY! creepin around. although i recently tried to stalk a friend of mine and found out that i'm like, the WORST stalker ever, so you have nothing to worry about.
unless you're that guy who watches the news every night at 9, in the house with the painting of a ship in the living room.
that's right.
(note: that was ALL A JOKE)
((i'm actually a really, really good stalker.))

holy shit i love being creepy.


one of my favorite things to do is think about where bands get their names, and i recently came across what is officially, in my book, THE BEST BAND NAME EVER: (particularly given my personal preference for likely interesting band-name etymologies:)

Brad Sucks

AND, (one of?) their album(s) name(s) is: "I Don't Know What I'm Doing."

fucking fanTAStic. i LOVE it.

OH MY GOD I JUST THOUGHT OF THE BEST PLAYA NAME EVER.
"Your Excellency"

holy SHIT i crack myself up.

by the way, that is totally copywrighted..copywritten? (WTF english) and by that i mean if anyone ever introduces themselves to me as "Your Excellency" i will stab you in the face.

...hopefully i never meet anyone who is ACTUALLY important.

stabbing the queen or a prime minister or whatever would be slightly embarrassing.

hmm. hopefully The Government has a sense of humor, because i'd really prefer to not be arrested for saying ridiculous things on the internet.

like ...schhhhNOOOBERFLAVEN!

that was pretty ridiculous.

All aboard the failboat!

Task: Figure out what "parallel" means in the following texts.

TEXT 1: While persons okay indulge gardeners , the rears often strike in back of the dreadful businesss . You won't trade me shoping on the part of your molecular location . He
will ride barely , unless Ralph ships parallels in connection with Abdul 's insider . A lot of environmental exams are universal and other sorry variables are confused , but
will Jbilou long that ? Sheri tosses , then Talal fondly marchs a likely appendix among Zack 's horizon .

OPTIONS FOR MEANING OF "PARALLEL"

1: (cause to) be parallel to; equal
* Syntax Is: NP1 PARALLEL NP2 (to) (NP3)

"They paralleled the ditch to the highway."
"Their roles are paralleled by ours."
2: duplicate, match
* Syntax Is: NP1 PARALLEL NP2
"The white canvas paralleled his pale appearance."
3: None of the Above



TEXT 2:
We can't calm trusts unless Ziad will never drown afterwards . She 'd split primarily than stem with Ella 's creative polymer . I am eventually parallel , so I land you . Christopher , have a reasonable farm . You won't adopt it .




Hi! So you're all sitting there like "what the fuck dood." And I'm all "i KNOW, right??!"
WHAT THE FUCK DOOD and by DOOD i mean WORK. At this point, the only possible explanation i have come up with for the above sentences is that my supervervisors are just seeing if we're even paying attention. And also, is it just me or are the 2 possible meanings for "parallel" EXACTLY FUCKING THE SAME? Yes, yes they are.

In other news (do I even have another transition? No.)* i had my 21st birthday last Monday! Actually it fell on this year's Chinese New Year, which was pretty cool, and is also the reason NOBODY CAN FREAKING TELL ME whether i am a Rabbit or a Dragon. I was voting Dragon for a long time (come on, RABBIT??! come on.) but now i kind of don't care. Anyway, sadly, i discovered that the bars are boring. Not that this is all that sad, really. And by "the bars" i do mean "i went to one bar with a dance floor and danced a little bit, didn't drink at all, got bored and left."
Man, the things that make me lose my faith in humanity. Like this one chubbyasfuck little Asian chick who was about 5 feet tall with stilettos on with huge boobs who strutted up to me and my friend Val asking "Can i dance with you? You guys are hot" and proceeded to grind up against Val and then me, as i sent terrified PLEASESAVEME looks across to my boyfriend. *Shudder.* And that was before all the drunkies arrived! Like the guy with the Pedophile Moustache who kept staring at me. Ew.
Anyway, I'm rooting for Denver and going to go dancing there, where they actually have DANCE MUSIC instead of Top 40 hip-hop bullshit that ALL the drunk frat girls (what's that term? soriwhore? soristitute?) in the bar know the words to and sing along to loudly, and most horrifingly, PUT THEIR HANDS UP IN THE AIR when the songperson sings "put your hands up in the air."



*This reminds me of one of my many, many favorite Simpsons quotes:
"Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No."

Hoo boy! Well I'm spent. I haven't written in a while because I am a total failboat, but...well, i didn't really have and ending planned for that sentence. Let's just end this with "I am a total failboat."*

*Actually, i said "failboat" the other day at dinner with my dad and he asked what a "failboat" was and i explained that it could be anything, but that it's an internet caption thing having to do with boats or, er, failed "boats" and that a good example would be a guy riding a bicycle into the ocean with the caption "FAILBOAT." not that i've ever actually seen that, but it really WOULD be a good example of failboat and now i'm sad it doesn't exist.
Yet.