are you calling me phat?

the other day my boyfriend's brother's friend was talking about sleeping in his car and when i asked him why he WAS sleeping in his car, he kinda paused and said "i was not fit to drive" which i thought was a pretty funny euphemism for "totally trashed" and then i thought of this: you know how you always hear (at least i do, at CU) college kids* going "oh man, we got so HAMMERED this weekend!" or "before the game we're gonna get WAAAASTED!" and i want to make this happen:

"duuude, we are gonna get so NOT FIT TO DRIVE on friday!!!!" and "that party was AWESOME!!! i had like nine jagerbombs and was sooooooo not fit to drive!"

again, let's make it happen people.

*when introduced to someone who worked at the same restaurant as one of my friends, i said "ohhh you're one of the Boulder Cafe kids!" he got reaaaally insulted. apparently 20-somethings who are insecure about their age are quite sensitive and also, totally lame.

oh, also, the funniest shit i've ever heard: after listening to an audio recording for chinese class that was preceded by a very British accent announcing the authors and copyright, the kid next to me says "Ni hao" ("hello" in Mandarin Chinese) in a British accent.
k maybe you had to be there.





-Kaley deserves to have ice cream smashed in and around her eyes because she is a lying fifty-year old man.

slutty pajamas

ouch. my dog just punched me in the face with her face. it was my fault, actually, i was leaning in to smoosh her with my face like i do to show affection (tiny dogs=want to smush=how kaley shows affection) and anyway she lifted her head at just the wrong second and now my nose is throbbing. speaking of which, my boyfriend, his brother and i somehow ended up you-tubing* Things....But Very Slowly and watching slow-mo versions of...well...everything. how is this related? this guy gets punched in the face and it's pretty hilarious slo-mo.

*love verbification

i really should be a) studying physics, b) studying chinese c) working my part-time job from home or d) cleaning (we MOVED this weekend!!!!! yay!!!!) but i am, obviously, not. you're welcome.

OH. EM. GEE. my best friend, who is creepily like me in so many ways except for the fact that she voluntarily decided to live with five other girls, told me this Shockingly True story: apparently the wannabe-sorority girls she lives with have been talking about halloween costumes for a while, with no ideas deviating from the theme of Innocent Things Slutted Up, and after rejecting nineteen different Slutted-up Disney princesses, they started talking about dressing up as Snow White's seven dwarves.
but Slutted up.
so i'm picturing: beards and mini-skirts?
apparently they had in mind that Doc would be a Slutty Nurse (at which point they are not Doc, they are a disgusting sorority slut), et cetera. when my poor friend asked what the oh-so-innocent Sleepy would be, her roommates said excitedly "Sleazy!"
Okay, really, at that point you are not anything to with Disney movies, happy childhood memories, or even perverted drunken lingere'd versions of happy childhood memories, you are just wrong. just...no. and seriously, how could Sleepy even BE Sleazy? how do you have slutty pajamas? i sleep naked, is that slutty pajamas?

things like that make me lose all faith in humanity.

that and this amazing story: i was walking to my favorite coffee shop (Espresso Roma: tiny and eclectic and crowded and filled with music and random pictures and the smell of coffee) from CU when i heard two girls behind me having the following conversation:
Girl 1: So when we were in Rome I didn't gain weight, but in London I like gained a lot of weight because i was eating the same and not walking as much
Girl 2: Yeah totally, like here we're walking a lot and we're always late so we're walking all fast and sweating our balls off
Girl 1: Yeah totally.


SWEATING. OUR BALLS OFF.

this is no time for ovulating!

i think last night i had a dream i woke up. either that or i actually woke up. but i think i dreamed i woke up early, before my alarm, because i remember thinking*, 'i am awake? before my alarm? i just...woke up? and i'm not tired?' but apparently i was tired because i went back to sleep and/or kept sleeping. (if you're wondering about that 'and,' congratulations. if you aren't, well, you are now.)

*isn't it kind of weird how the phrase "i remember thinking" is practically irrefutable proof? you might not remember exactly how or even if something happened, but if you remember thinking something about that event....man, there's no stopping naysayers** then!

**oh, naysers. hush, you.

my friends and i were eating ice cream and being silly (two of my favorite activities, i might add) and we decided there needed to be more words like "SNAP!" and "BUUURN!" for, well, snaps and burns. after throwing out "ignite!," "stab!" and "shank!" we finally had a clear winner when i burst out "bludgeon!" and after a stunned silence, there was hysterical laughter. (that's the best kind.) the plot thickens: you know how some people say stuff like "get the neosporin, 'cause you got buuuurned!" we decided on "get the tourniqet, because you just got BLUDGEONED!"

so let's get that going, shall we?

jolly good, then!

and now, a tiny kitten.

what's so hard about laundry? WHY do people loathe it so?
seriously.
it's the easiest possible cleaning/chore/task you could possibly do.
if i could clean the house by picking up a pile of stuff, pressing a button, and then surfing the web for an hour before i move the pile six inches and press another button, you bet your ass i'd clean the house more often.
but alas, there is no button.


a place i never want to go: antartica.
fuck that.
it's COLD. it's WHITE. it's freezing, it is flat, it is icy, it is a snowy desert of doomy cold death boring doomness. doomy doomitude. i don't get the appeal. to feel like a badass? i'd rather take chinese. that's way more badass than wearing nineteen parkas and seven pairs of wool socks and being surrounded by white like a crazy person...because if you go to antartica, you are insane. your straightjacket is your nine layers of clothing just to stay alive while you sit there, bored and cold and insane.

speaking of insane, my laugh is. ever become suddenly highly aware of the way you laugh? it's always terrifying. you never think, what a pleasant, lovely, tinkling chuckle. for me at least, it's more like a honksnort death cry of a mongoose on the warpath.


i love techno. one song that i would have put on my "happyhyper" playlist in high school is Do Your Thing by Basement Jaxx. my boyfriend can't stand it, but here's the catch: it's on random in our music and he plays video games (meaning: constantly distracted) and i like to see how long it takes him to realize the song is playing before he skips it. i guess i won a few days ago when it played all the way through. must have been an intense game! silent (wait, or loud techno?) victory! ....time for a new game.

oh, and wtf? i was wearing this ankle/floor-length loose flowy black skirt that makes me feel so goth i have to wear my pink lacy tank top to balance myself out and i got all kinds of weird-ass, creepy hoots and honks and oh i shudder just to think about it. but seriously. it's not like i was wearing tiny little shorts or a short tight skirt or a shirt that makes my boobs explode out of it like those french fries on the drive-through menu (<3 dane cook). men, you are all insane. case closed.

and i thought i didn't like vanilla!

Hilarity:
I was looking up the etymology for 'nil' earlier today (from Latin nihil, 'nothing' -- same root as nihilist) when I found the most interesting and ironic etymology i have ever seen:

vanilla

1662, from Sp. vainilla "vanilla plant," lit. "little pod," dim. of vaina "sheath," from L. vagina "sheath" (see vagina).

Speaking of vaginas....*


Shocked disbelief:
I hate, loathe and despise Sarah Palin with a burning firey passion. I have joined five Facebook groups about what a gosh-darned cunt she is (Sarah Palin is Dolores Umbridge; I Have More Foreign Policy Experience Than Sarah Palin....) and on one I found this article, which says that Palin is SUING the Interior Secretary for listing the polar bear as a threatened species. Because that would "cripple offshore oil and gas development in the Chukchi and Beaufort seas in Alaska's northern waters, which provide prime habitat for the only polar bears under U.S. jurisdiction."

*how often do you get to say "speaking of vaginas"?? that was fun.


Neat/Interesting:
This guy is doing what he calls the 100 Thing Experiment, where he will go a year owning only one hundered items (1 pen, 1 pencil, 1 watch....)



In other news...
what is it about time that makes me want to waste it? i really push myself to study chinese on the bus to and from school, (ah this reminds me of the Onion's Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book) but once i get home i lapse into facebook/e-mail/craigslist/webwandering and general internet time-wastage. and then i feel guilty because a) i havent studied enough and i have to go to bed soon and b) we only have such a short amount of time on this planet and i sit in front of my laptop all day, but moslty c) that i am aware of both of the above and STILL waste time like a....well, a person. I think i need to limit my computer on-ness time. the first thing i do when i get home from school and work is turn the ol' lappy on, and then....before you know it, it's past bedtime and i am browsing zappos.com (OMG SHOES) for the third time and wandering craigslist for teaching wages (mine is actually really good.)

Also, I cannot bring myself to hurry in the mornings. i have proven time and time again that if i am charge of getting myself somewhere on time, i WILL be late. not maybe. not sometimes. i just WILL be. "wake up earlier," you say? interesting. everytime i do that, if i don't end up hitting the snooze button ninety times and i actually DO get up, i will simply take about three times as long to do everything. i will eat a sit-down breakfast as opposed to gnawing on toast as i haul ass to the bus stop, i will spend half an hour picking out an outfit as opposed to throwing on the pre-determined one already set out, i will put on some music and dance around a bit...and i will end up being waaay more late than if i had woken up later. so...it's good that i have to catch the bus in the mornings, because if i drive myself, i'll be-- you guessed it!!!-- late as hell.


on ANOTHER note, i have about a tenth of a haagen-dazs smoothie left in the plastic cup from a few days ago that i have thawed out and am pitifully attempting to suck through the straw (note: failed. i am currently settling for vacuuming up the melty outskirts of the chocolate glob which froze and thawed into some ungodly totally weird texture that is immune to straw-suction) and coax the deliciously tempting, one last scoop from the bottom (still failing.) the ANGST. ohhh miiilkshake, please come to meeeeeeee!

oh i almost forgot a picture. here you go. my current screensaver.


update: my milkshake blob continues to mock me. the flimsy plasic straw is too weak to remove its deathgrip on the bottom of the cup, and i am far too lazy to go upstairs to get a spoon. also, i tend to gnaw* the hell out of anything that comes near my mouth (see: gum addiction) and so the straw is no longer even getting the happy little melty bits around the circumference of the blob.

*second occurence of 'gnaw' in one post. that's officially more usages of 'gnaw' in several paragraphs than in the rest of my blog.

good times.

L: "Aren't these just the cutest little jelly jars?"
R: "I've seen cuter."


"You know, I've been wanting to buy a ceramic pumpkin, but I think I'll shop around."
-R


"Death Marshmallows!"
-R


Some girl on campus, talking to another girl: "You have to put the pictures on Facebook, otherwise it's like it never happened."


"Health is red, mana is blue, doodeedoo, i love you."
-nerdy boyfriend : )


"I'm crotchety, in more ways than one."
-Buck 65


"America is so accepting. I hate it."
-Nathan


" 'Redic' embodies all that is wrong in this world. That and animals wearing clothes."
"My dog wears clothes!"
".....I hate you."
"Well it's not my dog, it's my mom's dog..."
"Seriously. I hate you."


"Oh shit, the cops!!!!!"
-the cops in Superbad


drunk horny girl: "i'm so wet..."
awkward highschool guy: "yeah, i know, in health they said that would happen...."
-Superbad

uhmurikuh teh bewtifull

I officially watch too much What Not To Wear. About twenty percent of the people I see on a daily basis receive this outfit conclusion: "UNACCEPTABLE." An example? Here is the CU frat girl uniform: flip-flops, sweatpants with either the CU logo or "juicy" on the ass (from the Onion: Pants Attempt to Convey What Owner Can't), and those big-ass sunglasses that go from your hairline to nostrils. Heads-up, ladies: those make you look like bugs. and not sexy bugs, either. just bugs.
I also have a huge problem with girls wearing leggings as pants. Yesterday it was a bit chilly and I wore a pair UNDERNEATH my jeans to keep me warm. and yet some girls wear them as though anything that is normal to wear underneath pants is an option for wearing without pants.

Everytime I pass Arby's, this quote from Bart on the Simpson's runs through my head: "I"m so hungry I could eat at Arby's!"

I also passed a house the other day that had a dumpster in the yard with a sign that said "Dumpster for hire or rent." Now, rent I understand, but can you really HIRE a dumpster? "I hired this dumpster, but for some reason all it does it sit there! lazy son of a bitch. I'm definitely cutting his benefits."

Speak English!!

you know how whenever you're talking to someone speaking in jargon (sciencespeak, big fancy sesquipedalian words etc) you're like "Speak English!!" ? (weird punctuation placement, i know. but it makes sense. trust me.) Anyway one of my favorite things to do that never fails to make me giggle is picture such a scene in China/Africa/Vietnam/Iran, where someone is blabbering away in jargon and the other person is staring at them bewildered and says "Speak Chinese!"


/ "Speak Swahili!" /"Speak Vietnamese!" / "Speak Farsi!"


because it's fun to imagine that.


....hehehe.