does this necklace make my butt look big?

GOD i'm such a slacky mcslacker face. sorry i haven't been writing. I KNOW YOU ARE DEEPLY OFFENDED. in my slackitude, i've been working 9-5 for the first time in my life. i know, i'm lazy, and fat.

oh! that's something that totally freaking boggles my mind: the Fat Thing. (it's what my friends call me.) ((just kidding. but that's going to help prove my point.)) In one of my intro linguistics classes, we had an assignment to write down slang that we used only with our group of friends. one of mine, among climbing and video game lingo (i hate video games but all my high school friends were gamers), was the appellation "fatty." we use it as a joking compliment, a favorite in ironic situations such as climbing or eating. my friends and i call each other fat in jest because 1) they are all skinny, ripped males and it's hilarious, and 2) I am a skinny, ripped girl and it's hilarious. NOTE TO AMERICA: I DO NOT THINK I AM FAT. Apparently, this makes me a freak. I was at a doctor's appointment once, and a male nurse was taking my blood pressure and stuff, and instead of telling me to take my shoes off and get on the scale, he got really uncomfortable and said "uh, sorry, i--if you don't mind--i'm sorry, but how much do you weigh?" and all the other nurses i've ever had ALWAYS 'joke' about the "worst part" being getting on the scale. Do all hospital workers have some sort of Fat Vision where they assume that every female, even the obviously trim ones, are Horribly Insecure about their weight? it bugs the HELL out of me. i weigh 115 pounds, is there a REASON i should be INSECURE about that? oh wait---one girl in high school called me anorexic. a girl who had obviously never seen me eat 2 pints of ice cream in one day.

AND! this is crazy! on my first week at the preschool when the horrible horrible sub was there, i was joking about one of my favorite kids about how he was too biiiiiig and faaaaat for me to pick him up. he was giggling and saying "YOU'RE fat!" and i'd poke him and say "look at this belly! you must weigh at LEAST nine million pounds! there's no WAY i can pick you up!" and he'd laugh hysterically. and the stupid, stupid sub girl looks over, with a serious look on her face, and says "NO one here is fat." like we were being mean or something. look, lady, you might be a Normal Insecure Chick, but if there are two people on the planet who you can call fat to make them laugh, they are a four-year-old boy, and Kaley.

AND, for the first time in my life I've been able to sleep within minutes of going to bed. this is, i need to emphasize, Freaking Amazing. even in South America when I was traveling and backpacking and taking classes and speaking spanish all the time et cetera, it still took me like nine hours to fall asleep. It's so bad that a) I am/was? convinced i have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, and b) literally remember two (2) times in my entire existence where i fell asleep within minutes.

ALSO, for the first time in my life, last night when I went to bed at 11 and couldn't sleep til 2 and had to wake up at 6, I wandered out to say hi to my boyfriend, sat on his lap, and stared at his screen. normally this is an ideal time to space the fuck out, as my eyes instantly glaze over when i look at video games--try as i might, i was never able to focus my eyes to make sense of the frantic movements and explosions on the screen. i literally couldn't see it. until last night. EPIC. oh wait---i totally don't care.


Acronyms. What's the difference between WTF and "what the fuck"? 'wtf, in all its nerdiness, just sounds nicer. it's inherently kinda funny and silly because you're verbalizing a typed acronym associated with video games and nerds. so when my bee eff just said "wtf kaley, you're still awake?" (it's 7:45 and i'd fallen asleep within minutes of sitting on the couch after Doing Stuff all day) and i was thinking how different it'd be if he said "what the fuck."
Same thing with GTFO, or "get the fuck out." If i were to say "get the fuck out" to anyone under any circumstance minus obvious joking with close friends, i'd be a Bitch. but again, the boyfriend says it in totally non-offensive, even happy ways, such as insisting i go get myself ice cream and watch the Office.


oh. hey. NOTE TO CREEPY GUYS: I DO NOT NEED STRANGERS TO TELL ME I AM ATTRACTIVE. AND PLEASE STOP STARING.
i hate denver.

back to the topic of my rant:

i'd write [witty title here] if it weren't so freaking cliche.

I started working at my boyfriend's old preschool teacher's school this week and i freaking love it more than i can describe. All the other teachers i've ever talked to (such as other Spanish teachers at my other job) talk about how TIRING and EXHAUSTING it is to teach kids. i don't get it. kids have so much energy, they give ME their energy! i just get all pumped and i love chasing them around being a sea monster and giving them helicopter rides and playing pretend and playing legos....how is that exhausting??? kids are like a triple-shot latte for me, only they make me happy all day, even after i get home.

It's hard though, to be all Adult-y after playing with 5-year olds all day. Like in some ways, you feel more like an adult by being the one to carefully apply sunscreen to tiny faces, being the one to remove bee singers and splinters, being the one to remind them to put toys back, et cetera, but you're also playing kids' games with them all day!! So it's kinda weird to get home and have a Boyfriend. Because i'm still like "play time?"

Guess what happened the first FIVE MINUTES of work today. I set the kids out to play outside, am watching the 3-year olds and then I hear Wyatt say: "I found a bug!" I turn around--"WYATT PUT THAT DOWN THAT'S A--"
*waaaaaaaaaah*
"....bee."

Why kids are awesome:
We spent about half an hour looking in the grass for bugs and shiny peices of ribbon, which was EXTREMELY EXCITING. LOOK A PURPLE ONE! A PINK ONE! A BIG ONE!!!!!!

It works out well for me because i get excited about stuff too. I don't realize this is normal until someone asks me about something i like, which i of course don't just LIKE, but which makes my eyes light up and my voice get louder and my legs to bounce and my mouth to grin. i don't just like stuff, I FUCKING LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT. i was hanging out with my friend Val today and she was noticing how i either HATE things or LOVE them. you don't like boulder? GET THE FUCK OUT, I HATE YOU. you like milkshakes? HOLY CRAP ME TOO AREN'T THEY DELICIOUS?? sorry for all the caps lock, i just get excited. and i'm not at all sorry i laugh loudly and frequently, i'm not sorry my voice carries, i'm not sorry i'm passionate and enthusiastic. if you're not like me, i basically think you are dead inside. and if i embarrass you, i'll just do what i did to my sister one time at the mall where i started humming along to the music on the loudspeakers and she hissed at me to stop, and i went "you should just be glad i'm not doing THIS!!!" and proceeded to LEAP and SPIN across the mall and sing loudly as she hid her red, red face.

Good times.

Oh is it picture time?
Here's an albino peackock. NEATO.

your FACE!!!!!

Whole Foods and Costco are officially conspiring to crush my soul. How? Oh, I will tell you. I will tell you indeed.



Two things that make life worth living: 1) Wild Oats' lemon creme sandwich cookies (I have to actively work to NOT eat an entire box in one sitting, they're that fucking delicious) and 2) bulk packages of Orbits bubblemint gum to feed my addiction (I go through a pack a day. Good thing I'm not a smoker, this oral fixation is serious like whoa.)


Fucking Whole Foods. I liked them until they took over Wild Oats. So Whole Foods, when they bought out my beloved Wild Oats, stopped carrying my goddamned lemon cookies. I asked a cashier lady about them, I put a pleading note in their comment box, and then i put THREE MORE comment cards in when they responded to everyone's question except mine. Every single time. I put in comment cards every time i went there---so like once a week. No freaking response. So I started e-mailing them. And requested that Amazon e-mail me when my cookies become available, if they will ever again. OH HOW I NEED THEM.
So while i've been pining after my lemon cookies, i discovered on a recent trip to Costco that they no longer carry my favorite flavor of Orbits gum---they decided it was sufficient if they carried two kinds of mint, and some fucking watermelon mint crap, because yeah, one average and one weird-ass size fits all.

Enough whining. Time for funny stories and randomness, kids!

Funny story:
So I was sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's car one day coming back from climbing, and we were having a Serious, Deep Discussion about Life and Pain. And since we were in this far-right lane that turned into a turn-only lane where we didn't want to go, i interrupted my friend, who was in the midst of a Rant about Life, to say "this lane ends." and she said, "YES. EXACTLY. this lane ENDS. for all of us, at some point. it's so true!!!"
and it was true. the lane ended, and we had to change lanes. METAPHORICALLY?? perhaps.
GOD i'm so deep.

On my Facebook profile under "activities," among "climbing" and "drinking copious amounts of white tea" and "chocolate ice cream" and "spaghetti" (i love food like a fat kid at fat camp) and "being a badass" (i'm not modest but i'm honest), i have listed "making everything you say into an insult about your face." and it's true. But it doesn't always work as an insult, per se. For example: a friend says "man it's hot" and i go "your FACE is hot!!!! ohhhh snap!" and they're like ".....yeah.....burn." and i'm like "yeah. burn." When such an event occurs, and the other person thinks you're in fact complimenting them, it's key to keep a snide, smug look on your face like you just gave them the burn of their life. And they don't even FEEL burned, (so in your head you're like "OH SNAP you don't even KNOW!") that's how damn good you are. Covert. Yeah. Word.

Randomness:
Here are three of my favorite pieces of clothing:



hehehehehehehe. words on a shirt.
it's funny 'cause it's true.

BED OF EVIL AND LETTUCE!

When i was on the bus the other day i was reading the sign above the front seat that says to get your big 'ol butt up and move if some old person wants to sit there. but they don't say "old person." they say say "elderly persons." but i don't call my dad an "elderly person." I call him an "old person." I think he appreciates my honesty.

at a thrift store yesterday, my boyfriend found a video entitled "Evolution: Anti-God Religion of Death."

I started laughing, and then I saw that it was serious. It was, in fact, christian religious video. Wow, Blogger says with its fierce, cruel red underline that that is spelled wrong...because it's not capitalized. EFF YOU, RED LINE--i see you sitting under "eff."Taunting me. LEAVE ME BE!!!

On the cover, a happy Adam and Eve chilled in the happy Garden of Eden. On top of a pile of human bones that took up two-thirds of the cover.

One word*: wtf?

*acronym

So: Summer. The best and the worst things about summer is the change in my sleep schedule. Instead of going to bed at midnight and tossing and turning for a while, waking up at 7 and then sleeping in til noon on weekends.....oh summer. During the summer, I have teh freeeeedom to go to bed at 4 AM and sleep til....4 PM. Oh yeah, in case you ever need to defeat me in a battle, know this: My superpower is that I can sleep for 12-14 hours at a time. every day. YEAH, BRING IT!!!!!!!!!!!

/don't call me before about 2. kthxbai.