I used to hate running.
HATE it.
haaaaaaaaate it.
Running was hard---i got side cramps within minutes or seconds, my lungs would gasp for breath, my heart would burn.
And i'd be behind the last lagging, struggling jogger in the group.
How. Embarassing.

But now i run.
i run at night.
i run when no one can see me, no one can judge me, no one is awake, no one is looking. no one is sprinting effortlessly on their third lap while i attempt not to vomit just to keep going. i run at night so i can jog as slowly as i want, walk for a bit, stop whenever i get too tired, fuck you high-school gym teacher! fuck you peer pressure, fuck you athletic boulderite kids with your marathons and your endurance.

when i left for my run tonight, my boyfriend asked me "So, you gonna become a runner?"
This made me laugh. "No. I don't do it to run. I do it to be alone. in the dark. in the cold."
He looked utterly bewildered. "Well, when you put it THAT way..."
But i do.
The running is good, when you walk there's too much room for thought.
But i just want to be alone, in the dark, in the cold.
I run to watch the moon disappear behind the clouds. i run to round the corner before a lone car approaches. i run at 1 or 4 in the morning, i run to feel the cold on my face, i run until i peel off my gloves, my hat, my scarf, unzip my jacket, unzip my sweater, shrug off my coat until it hangs awkwardly off my shoulders, i run until i have to carry my coat on the crook of my elbow, i run until my hair falls unsexily out of my lazy ponytailbun, i run until my forehead sweats and my ears are still cold. i run with adrenaline-filled glee past one block of normally-busy city street to disappear behind a dark corner again, free, before another night loner spots this girl in too-white running shoes, baggy plaid pajama pants, bulky down coat and sloppy ponytail. i run because no one's watching. i run to feel my lungs exhale, to feel my feet hit the ground, to remind myself that i am alive, i am right here. this is my body, some miraculous combination of tendons muscles bones joints that let me run, run, run under yellow streetlights under yellow stars, run panting past christmas lights left up and college cars. i run to be a part of that which is humanity, which i mostly sometimes loathe, to be apart from it and alone, but comforted knowing that my fellow human beings are asleep in their beds in the houses i run past. i run to smell the occasional late-night laundry, to see which lights are still on at 3 AM on a sunday. i run because i like sweating when it's cold outside, i run because i like feeling like i'm the only person alive.
like i said,
i run to be alone, in the dark, in the cold.